


i love you but no fucking way

by suicidalbcstard



Series: [ angst fics ] [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Pain, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:39:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27332068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suicidalbcstard/pseuds/suicidalbcstard
Summary: with tears in his eyes, he begged him to stay..he said, "hey man, i love you but no fucking way."
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: [ angst fics ] [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1955890
Kudos: 46





	i love you but no fucking way

**Author's Note:**

> **tw:** please speak out if you need help. also, this is a songfic of the song ‘twin size mattress’

_”for the friends i’ve made, for the sleepless nights.”_

atsumu looked away as his brother looked at him with a stern expression on his face. the faux blonde avoided his twin’s stare, opting to talk to his fellow teammates of the volleyball team. he can deal with osamu another time, just not now. he felt good that he had friends. 

kita, the captain of the inarizaki volleyball team smiled at his teammates, thanking them for for being such a great team. atsumu did his best to listen to the words coming from the team captain, but found himself unable to focus as he felt a stare, obviously it was from his twin brother.

they started eating, with the faux blonde picking at his food and pretending to eat in when he was spitting the food out whenever nobody was looking at him. he talked to his brother and suna, the two finding something off about atsumu, mostly osamu, but chose not to say anything for now.

as soon as he got home, atsumu bid osamu goodnight as he trudged up the stairs to his bedroom, not wanting to get interrogated by his awfully observant brother. he didn’t want to explain to him what was happening.

he dumped his bag onto the ground and went to his closet to find clothes to change into after taking a brisk shower. the faux blonde quickly went to the bathroom for extra safety from his brother.

after taking a brisk shower, he towel-dried his hair and changed, before charging his phone and turning off the lights. he laid on his bed, eyes wide open, but as soon as osamu opened the door, atsumu pretended to be asleep so osamu would just leave him alone and hopefully to ask about what happened.

however, despite his effort to go bed, he laid wide awake on his bed, eventually giving up to grab his phone so he can scroll through instagram and twitter. he was exhausted, both physically and mentally, but he was unable to catch a break from his unstoppable thoughts and all of the strenuous activities.

it was already two in the morning, but he was still unable to go to bed, opting to just get up and go get something to eat, to ease the low grumble that was coming from his stomach.

_”for the warning signs i’ve completely ignored.”_

the grey haired twin was well aware of his older brother’s mental state. which is why he stayed up, in case his brother ever needed some help, in any shape or form. however, he was unaware and ignorant towards the extent of atsumu’s declining mental health.

osamu miya refused to believe that his brother was depressed, he only believed that atsumu went through bursts of sadness from time to time. the rest of his teammates were all the same, choosing to believe that atsumu was just going through some phase that would eventually go away in time.

atsumu walked into school, hearing the words of his schoolmates about him. a rumour of him being a ‘whore’ and a ‘bully’ spread around, causing him to cover his face wherever he went. he wished that none of his teammates or his brother ever finds out about this, or it will be hard to explain the whole situation to them.

he saw suna, waving to him. all he got was a blank stare, which was more than enough from the black haired male. he walks away, making sure to check whether suna was anywhere close to the people who would gossip about him out in the open. he really did not want to have suna coming after him for not saying anything to the team or seeking for comfort and reassurance.

walking to his first class, he ignored his classmates, sitting down on his seat and proceeding to take a nap, to avoid any confrontation or anybody coming up to him to berate him.

_”when they close their eyes and prayed you would change.”_

when atsumu’s parents found out, they yelled at him in pure rage, claiming that he was exaggerating. osamu watched from the corner of the wall, seeing atsumu breakdown sadly. he cursed himself, upset for not being there for atsumu.

_”and they cut your hair, and sent you away.”_

when they found out that atsumu was gay, they cut all of his hair in fury, before sending him away for conversion camp. atsumu’s mental health declined further as he packed his bags and looked at osamu with empty eyes before leaving the house. osamu tried to reach out to grab atsumu’s hand, but it slipped away from his grasp.

atsumu hated it. conversion camp was the worst thing he had endured in his entire life. it got so bad to the point he escaped from the camp, roaming along the streets of hyogo. he was clad in a hoodie and a pair of old jeans, aimlessly walking to escape from the camp and from his family.

_”you stopped by my house the night you escaped.”_

years later, he was in the MSBY black jackals professional volleyball team. he was an empty shell by now, void of emotion and pretending to be fine. his mask hadn’t fallen apart yet, but he felt it was starting to fall apart with the way his new teammates were extremely observant, more observant than osamu and suna.

“hey tsum tsum! how are you?” bokuto walks over to atsumu, cheerfulness and energy radiating off the bulky man. atsumu flashed a tiny smile at him, replying softly that he was alright, before going to the locker rooms to change into hiis gym shoes and his jersey.

atsumu put on a front as he walks out of the changing room, catching sight of sakusa, who had his hands in his pockets and was also wearing a mask, looking disgusted and bored simultaneously. 

the faux blonde went to bother him, smiling at sakusa. the raven haired man looked at him in pure disgust, which made the blonde feel sad but he pushed that feeling aside for now. 

after practice, atsumu packed his bag as fast as he could, going back to his apartment, only to see his parents standing there with their arms crossed. he could see the anger in their eyes as he felt small and vulnerable under their gazes. osamu was there as well, looking like he did not want to be there currently.

“you’re being sent back to conversion camp.” his parents said, which shattered his heart. he did not want to back to that hell of a camp, but the look on his parents face said that he better obey them or something worse will happen to him.

and so atsumu’s depression gradually got worse over time, and he had to take time off from the team, telling his teammates he was travelling overseas when in reality he was being sent to a conversion camp because he was fully gay.

his teammates and coach believed him, and so he left and was sent away further from the city for the camp. he had a horrible time, leading him to escape from the camp for the second time in his life, rushing to another place. he was exhausted, and without thought he had arrived at one of his teammate’s house.

he knocked on the door, and it swung open, only to be met with an annoyed sakusa. but the moment the raven haired man took a good look at atsumu’s tear tracked face and pure exhaustion in his eyes, he let the man in.

atsumu soon came to his senses and realised whose house he was currently in, and his eyes widened as he froze. the blonde looked up at sakusa, before smiling and apologising, trying to leave the house. sakusa looks at atsumu, noticing that he was covered in bruises and dirt.

_”with tears in his eyes, i begged him to stay.”_

sakusa grabbed onto atsumu’s arm, disregarding the fact that atsumu was dirty and looked like he got hit by a train, telling him to stay the night. he had no idea what came over him, but his gut feeling was telling him that if he let go of atsumu, he would never see the setter ever again.

atsumu looked shocked, unable to say anything as he looked at sakusa, who looked pleadingly at him to stay over even for just a night. he did not know what was going on, or why sakusa was holding his arm despite being filthy.

“you’re dragging yourself into trouble,” atsumu’s replied to sakusa’s silent plea, pulling his arm away from the raven-haired man’s grip. he bowed to sakusa, before walking out into the dark alone.

_“you said, ‘hey man, i love you, but no fucking way.’”_

atsumu walked along the dark streets, sighing as he looked behind. he could see sakusa standing there, conflicted about whether to leave him or run after him. he smiled, before turning back to the front and walking.

“i really love you, but no fucking way am i letting you find out.” he smiles with tears in his eyes, dragging himself further and further away from sakusa’s house, proceeding to just wander around aimlessly.

—

“‘sumu!” osamu gasped as he found his twin brother on the ground, passed out. he told suna to grab his bags, as he held up his twin brother to check his condition. atsumu passed out from exhaustion, probably. osamu carried atsumu, going back to their home as osamu pondered about what really happened.

when atsumu woke up, he tried to escape when he noticed that he was in a house. he sat up, looking around before opening the window to try and escape. the door opened, and suna rushed to keep atsumu in the room and not escaping through the window.

“it’s just us, atsumu.” suna said as osamu came in, looking at the fear in atsumu’s eyes. the blonde doesn’t do anything, sighing when he finally gives up and slumps against suna.

—

“i’m sorry samu, suna..” he apologises as he puts down the note on his table, addressed to everybody he knew and was close to. he grabs the necessary materials he needed before hopping out of the window. he looks back at the house he grew up in one last time, before walking away to the bus stop.

he didn’t cry as he sat on the bus. he didn’t turn back and run into the house seeking for comfort anymore. he was ready, finally giving up on his so called ‘perfect’ life. he could feel the rough material touching his fingertips as he sighed. atsumu hoped his brother did not wake up in the middle of the night.

he got off the bus, using his phone to locate his destination. after a good five minutes of walking, he finally arrived at the place. the aokigahara forest, also know as japan’s ‘suicide forest’. he swings the rope he brought, walking into the forest silently.

upon finding a tall tree, he sat down and leaned against the bark of the tree, humming as he tied a noose. he took his own sweet time, not rushing. he could hear the voices inside his head telling him to hurry up since he’s causing pain for everybody by being alive.

he took a deep breath in, climbing up the tree to the top most branch. before that, he switched off his phone after sending ‘goodnight, sleep well’ messages to his friends for the last time.

he sat on the highest branch, tying the rope, before putting his head through the hole. atsumu looked up to see the moon, and he smiled as he hummed a love song for his love. 

atsumu moved towards the edge of the branch, looking up once more and making sure the noose was secure around his neck. he hummed to another song, and looked down.

“thank you.” 

atsumu slides off the branch.

—

it hurt, to get a phone call from the hospital. 

osamu was awoken at three in the morning by his phone ringing loudly. it also woke suna up, as osamu picked up the call. he rubbed his eyes, yawning as he spoke in a sleep voice.

“good morning, is this miya osamu?” the person on the other line said in a hushed voice but also somewhat worried. osamu replied claiming that yes, that was him. now he was slightly more awake, curious as to why he was being called so early in the morning.

“your brother is in the hospital right now, located in 3392-1 . miya-san attempted suicide.” the nurse said, and osamu had never got out of bed so quickly in his entire life. he thanks the nurse and asks for the name of the hospital, before ending call.

“fuck!” osamu curses as he hauls suna out of bed and told him to get changed immediately. suna complied, confused as to why he needed to do so, but did not ask for now as they managed to hop into the car in a record time of five minutes.

he asked his boyfriend what was going on, and osamu, through tears, told him that atsumu attempted suicide. suna’s foot stepped on the gas, driving faster so they can arrive at the hospital faster.

when they arrived, suna told osamu to go first. the grey haired male rushed in, looking at the receptionist and asked for his brother’s hospital room. 

they brought him up, and when he saw the window, he pressed his hands against the glass, seeing atsumu laying there. his state was evident, the eyebags, the brace around his neck, along with the scars that ran across his arms from self-harming. he notices a bunch of bruises on him, either from the camp or self inflicted.

he went into the room, the nurses leaving to give osamu some time alone with his brother.

“‘sumu....why didn’t you tell me your condition became this serious?” osamu could hear the same answer of ‘i don’t want to burden you’, causing his heart to clench at the feeling of his brother feeling like he was a burden to everybody. tears built up ion his eyes, as he shook his head.

“he suffered a broken neck. he was lucky that someone went out for a jog to find him there.” the doctor said, and osamu nodded, before being left alone again in the hospital room with his brother. suna rushed in, before taking a good look at atsumu.

—

the MSBY volleyball team was notified of atsumu’s sudden leave of absence, no reason given. bokuto, hinata and sakusa were extremely confused, until suna and osamu drove to the gym and waited for their practice to end.

“where’s atsumu-san?” hinata asks, and osamu closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. he looks at them, before handing them a letter to read, which was the letter atsumu wrote and left on his desk before leaving.

“he tried to commit.” osamu said, and he hung his head as the three men froze. sakusa was upset, that atsumu didn’t tell him anything, and left them all in the dark about his condition. osamu offered to drive them to the hospital, where atsumu had been stuck in for the past four weeks.

they walk to his room, hearing doctors and nurses, and they rush to see them talking to atsumu, who only shook or nodded his head, unable to talk. they were let in once the doctors and nurses finished checking up on his condition. 

“‘sumu..” osamu said, and atsumu adverted his eyes towards his brother, smiling. osamu held his hand tightly, breaking down as he held on for dear life. suna walks over, patting atsumu on the head, whispering things into atsumu’s ear and comforting him. 

hinata and bokuto went next, smiling before wiping their tears away and talking to him. the both of them held his hands, and he smiled at them. they were broken, unable to think about how much he went through to resort to suicide.

the rest of them left, to give sakusa time with atsumu. the raven haired man walks towards the faux blonde and caressed his cheek with his thumb. he looks at atsumu properly, noticing the same dull eyes when atsumu first stumbled upon his house that one faithful night.

“why didn’t you tell us, atsumu..” he whispered as he gently hugs atsumu. the latter looked confused, shrugging and sakusa got the message of ‘i don’t want you to worry’, and sakusa sighs.

“we care about you, ‘tsumu.” sakusa said, ruffling atsumu’s hair before brushing the blonde bangs away, and pressing a kiss onto the setter’s forehead, even with his mask on.

“i love you atsumu. remember that. those words better help you stay alive, if not for you, then for me, for us.” sakusa said, holding atsumu close to him as they sat in comfortable silence in the tranquility of the hospital that smelled too much like disinfectant.

**Author's Note:**

> follow my youtube, @tanizvki ,, and my wattpad, @pvrtmafia-comm :)))


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